How to coach when emotion is in charge

When we feel threatened we go to our red brain. How can you move yourself (or someone else) from red brain to blue brain.

One of my coaching heroes is Professor Damian Hughes.

We go back a fair way because I invited him to be the keynote speaker at my leadership conference in 2015. We’ve remained friends since then. I totally admire his work and look forward to working with him again in the future.

Last year I had no hesitation in booking onto some CPD (Continuing Professional Development) with him and when I had the chance to attend his High-Performance Coaching Day.

I invest heavily in my CPD like all good coaches do.

One of the topics covered that day was

Paul Maclean’s Triune Brain: Blue Brain, Red Brain, Gray Brain

Here’s a summary of the main learnings from the day:

Your own red brain is activated. Questions you can ask yourself:

How do I choose to respond?

Can I take a moment to breathe/walk outside/move my body?

Remember the Think/Feel/ Do Triangle.

The helpful guide:

What am I feeling?
Pin-point exactly what the feeling is – it’s nearly always a fear – but afraid of what – exactly? (Loss of face? Rejection? Hurting someone’s feelings? Getting hurt? Financial loss? Fear of failure? Fear of change? Fear of getting something wrong? )

Write it down – it’s out of your head and on the page (perspective)
Remember that “how you feel” is separate from “who you are”
Make some space between the two. Observe your feelings and choose to put some space between who you are and how you feel imagine your feelings are the characters in a play on a stage and you the technical director. There are lots of characters that need your attention. You can CHOOSE (with practice) where to focus the spotlight
You have a choice – identify which one to deal with first
Trace back what you are thinking to create this feeling
Write it down
Examine what evidence you have to make you think this – is it truly reliable? Are you deleting bits of evidence? Distorting the evidence to fit an old pattern of hurt? Are you over-emphasising the importance of something before you have established the facts?
Search for other evidence – other reference points. Who can you ask for a different perspective?
Ask yourself “how helpful is it to think this?”
Ask yourself “What do I choose to think which would be more helpful?”
Capture that moment. Write it down

Other good questions:

What would be an ideal situation for me right now?
How will I feel about this in an hour’s time? Would it be good to wait to see what happens next? What one small step can I take to get a clear head right now?
Is this something I need support with (e.g. HR department)
Does this situation require me to keep notes?
Have I prepared myself for the note-taking?
Have I prepared the other person to be ready to give their side of the story?
How do I prepare the two sides of the conflict to tell me their position?
How can I guide each side of this conflict to prepare their position and interests to show the other side? What does that need to look like?

Coaching someone out of Red into Blue